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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24576442">thrones of vermillion</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/akc/pseuds/akc'>akc</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Humor, Character Development, M/M, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, discussions of mental health among other things</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:41:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,686</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24576442</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/akc/pseuds/akc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix wants to improve. He wants to be able to talk to Dimitri without his hands curling into his fists, aching as his nails dig into the flesh of his palms, leaving indents in their wake.</p>
<p>Or: Felix takes some time to himself, and then he takes some time to rectify things with Dimitri.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>117</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one thousand knives to the stomach</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>basically: this is a fic about felix getting some much needed character development! with the added bonus of having dimilix content. originally it was meant to be 3k words, but now it's super long (lol). it's a ""oneshot"" split into 4 parts for ease of reading.</p>
<p>setting is post azure moon route.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>END OF VERDANT MOON, 1186</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It has taken Felix a lot of pain and a lot of thinking to be where he is now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the war ended, he knew that he had to get away. He knew. Felix doesn’t like to indulge his weaknesses very frequently, doesn’t like to run away from his problems and instead prefers to face them head on—but this was different. He wanted to run away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One week after Edelgard’s death, he returned to Fraldarius, making the long trip by himself. He left a letter in Sylvain’s possession, who was instructed to deliver it to Dimitri as soon as he could. The letter read:</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Dimitri,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I think you saw this coming. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I am returning to Fraldarius for a while. There are things I need to work out, and time that needs to be spent on my own, not with anybody else. Sorry if this is an inconvenience. If you need anything, talk to Sylvain. He will help you until I’m ready to return. Until I’m ready to pick up the job you appointed me. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I hope you understand. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The aforementioned job, of course, is his position as Dimitri’s advisor. Felix doesn’t feel like he’s suited for that job at all—he’s not patient enough, not willing to compromise, not understanding enough. But he feels like he owes it to Dimitri, to be there with him, to take this job, especially after all that he has been through. After all of the things that Felix has said. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he doesn’t want to be incompetent. He doesn’t want to make things worse—which is why he is returning home. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix has wasted a lot of time—years, in fact—isolating himself from everybody. He has stifled countless relationships with people, cut off his emotions long prior to his father’s death, and held them back even more afterwards. Only now does he realize what a mistake he has made. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mistakes, </span>
  <em>
    <span>plural, </span>
  </em>
  <span>perhaps. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wants to improve. He wants to be able to talk to Dimitri without his hands curling into his fists, aching as his nails dig into the flesh of his palms, leaving indents in their wake. He doesn’t want to have to hesitate when he says </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dimitri. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix wants to feel human again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hasn’t felt like a human in a long time. He found purpose in war, and in fighting, and that’s a dangerous purpose to have—especially now that the war is coming to an end, at least for now. The only way he’ll find patience again, the only way he won’t feel stifled anymore, is if he learns how to find a new purpose. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His hands are soaked in blood. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix is different from Dimitri in that he doesn’t let the dead follow him everywhere—he knows that he has to move on. But it doesn’t change the fact that he has caused suffering in one way or another. It doesn’t change the fact that his hands echo death, rather than life, in all their scarred and calloused glory. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn’t hurt. Not yet. But it will, soon, when he’s alone and has time to think. It has to hurt, or else he won’t better himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>More than all of this, Felix thinks that it’s a good idea for he and Dimitri to be separated for a while. They can barely look at one another without all the tension in the world flooding into the room, and it’s almost sickening. He wants to be able to be in the same space as Dimitri without his brain flipping itself upside down. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix misses making good memories. He misses sleeping comfortably, and he misses being able to breathe air that isn’t metaphorically and literally polluted with smoke. He misses it. He wants to go back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fraldarius will surely make him think about Glenn, and it will surely make him think about his father, and it will surely make him think about everybody else and it will make his head spin, painfully, with how hard he will think about it—but that’s the point. Felix has to grow. He has to prove that he learned something from war. That it wasn’t all for nothing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He leaves early in the morning, before the sun has come up, and slips the note to Dimitri underneath Sylvain’s door like he told him that he would. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The world swallows him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>6 MONTHS PRIOR, PEGASUS MOON, 1186</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix finds himself laying in some snow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At least, he thinks that this is where he is laying. It’s hard to tell—the edges of his vision are blurred, like a vignette, and he can’t really feel his arms or legs or much of anything else for that matter. But his fingers are slightly cold, and whatever he’s laying on seems to be white. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How did he get here?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hears a sound off in the distance and it sounds a lot like yelling. It snaps him back into reality—right. They’re battling… something. Felix can’t remember. And something had happened, something had hit him, and it channeled itself through his sword, and then—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—and then nothing. His ears are ringing. It’s hard to hear things besides the shouting, hard to see things that aren’t blurred blots of color and light, hard to think about anything at all besides how cold his body is. Is nobody else here? Is Felix dreaming? Where is everybody? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, Felix becomes acutely aware of a figure towering over him, blocking out the sunlight. The figure bends down to him, and their mouth is moving but Felix doesn’t know what they’re saying, doesn’t know who it is—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix,” he manages to make out. “Felix, can you hear me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix blinks. Tries to find his tongue. It takes a moment, but he finally is able to say, “Yes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His throat aches as he speaks. The figure starts coming into view a little bit more, and he can make out grey hair. Ashe. It’s Ashe. It’s Ashe, who is now speaking more, but the words aren’t making any sense in Felix’s ears. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The words,” he says, trying to explain what’s happening, “the words, it’s not—sense. It’s not sense. It’s not there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t know if what he’s saying is comprehensible at all, but he hopes that Ashe can at least somewhat understand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix blinks his eyes, and when he opens them back up, he is no longer laying in snow. He is laying on a stone—a cool one, it feels good on his back—and this time around he can distinctly make out Mercedes hovering above him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix,” she says, voice soft. “Don’t move. You’re okay. Please don’t close your eyes, though, keep them open and try to look at me, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix is helpless to do anything but obey. He fixes his eyes on Mercedes’ hair, forcing his eyes open so much that it makes his head hurt. If Felix were to cry about anything, he would most certainly cry about this—not because of how much it hurts, but because of how frustrating all of this is. He still doesn’t understand what’s going on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mercedes reaches down to rub her hand against Felix’s cheek and he realizes, horrified, that he actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> crying, the tears running down the sides of his face, stinging his skin. He wants to thrash, to wipe his face, but his arms don’t move. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Mercedes repeats, and he doesn’t really believe her. “Relax. You’ll be able to move soon. Just relax.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix relaxes. He can’t keep his eyes open, though; it’s too hard and his head hurts too much. His eyes slip shut despite Mercedes’ protests. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he wakes up again, he’s in the infirmary. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The first thing he notices is how much this room smells like menthol. He wrinkles his nose, the smell pungent, searing inside of his nose. All at once Felix is aware of how much everything hurts—and it isn’t the usual, dull ache that he gets after fighting. No. His skin feels like it’s been singed off. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” a voice says. Felix turns his head to find Sylvain seated by the edge of his bed in a particularly small-sized chair, fingers nervously running through his hair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix has no time for small talk. “What happened?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can at least say </span>
  <em>
    <span>hey</span>
  </em>
  <span> back,” Sylvain huffs. “I’ve been worried, y’know. Kind of thought you were going to die for a while.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Felix echoes, frowning now. “I’m sorry for almost dying. Now can you explain what happened?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bossy as ever, even now. Okay, fine.” Sylvain leans forward. “I didn’t see what happened, specifically, I’m just sharing what Dedue said he saw. You got hit with Thoron—which wouldn’t normally be that much of a problem, except for the fact that the lightning ended up going through your sword. I’ve never seen that happen before. Anyway, it went through your sword, and Dedue said it looked like you got hit with the spell three times instead of just one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Three?</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, three. Guess it reverberated or something. Anyway—you’ll probably be fine, but your skin…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My skin?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain winces. “You, uh… got some pretty bad scarring. It looks cool compared to normal wounds, but it’s… there are a lot of them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix isn’t sure he wants to see his body now. He glances at his arm slowly, anxiously, and can immediately see what Sylvain means. His arms are plastered up with bandages, but he can see some of the damage that peeks out from underneath the gauze—thin, long, crackly-looking white lines run all the way up his arm and to his shoulder. They look like veins, he thinks. Horrible, ugly veins. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit,” he says, voice inexplicably soft in contrast to the way he feels. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Sylvain is frowning. “I’m sorry, Fe. We’re all just glad that you’re okay, honestly. And at least it’ll make a good story.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix cannot find his voice for a moment. He opens his mouth, closes it, and then opens it back up again. “Right,” he whispers, too shocked to say anything else. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you… do you want me to stay with you?” Sylvain asks, and it’s clear that he’s worried; his eyes are flashing dark and he’s been biting on his lip a lot. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Felix says after he thinks for a moment. “No, it’s… fine. I want to be by myself for a while.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain stands up, stretching his legs slightly as he does so. “Okay,” he says. “I would hug you, but I think that it would hurt, and I also don’t think you would like it regardless of that. But I’m seriously glad you’re awake and kicking.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look forward to when I literally start kicking again."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain laughs, and he still sounds a little bit concerned but marginally less so than he did before. He says goodbye one last time and then heads out the door, leaving Felix by himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He goes back to sleep. </span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>The next time Felix wakes up, it’s nighttime. He looks down at his arms—the bandages must have been changed at some point, because they look cleaner than they did before; there are less splotchy spots, no doubt caused by whatever horrible burns he is smothered with. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A second passes. Felix realizes that somebody else is in the room with him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He turns his head towards the far dark corner of the room and sees a shadowy figure, sitting there. Only one person would sit so far away, out of the light, away from Felix—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you want?” he asks, trying to be aggressive but failing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I came to see how you’re doing,” Dimitri says, standing up and stepping into the light of a nearby candle. “You’re not dead.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not dead. Fortunate for you, isn’t it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri says nothing, only stares hard at the blankets, body unmoving. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you just going to stand there like a rotting tree or are you going to say something?” Felix asks, the scowl on his face growing more intense by the second. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Rotting tree is an appropriate analogy,” Dimitri says, and his voice is so empty that it stings. “Let me see your scars.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why should I show you? When you can’t even visit me during the daytime?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The fact that I have come to visit you at all is something you should think over.” Dimitri speaks as if he is giving a eulogy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever,” Felix says. He shoves his arm out towards Dimitri, and he moves so rashly that his skin burns, but he bites the inside of his mouth and takes it, not wanting to show any weakness. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri leans forward, looking at his arm but not touching. “You’ll have these forever,” he says, matter-of-fact. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t know that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes I do. Would you care to hear Mercedes’ opinion? Because she said the same thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix bites his mouth harder, resisting the urge to scream at Dimitri to leave. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri notices. “Cat got your tongue?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Felix grits. “What am I supposed to say? What the fuck do you want me to say? Great, now I get to have Thoron scars on my body until I die one day. Great. Is that what you want to hear?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Dimitri says, but he doesn’t elaborate past that. Instead he stops looking at Felix’s arm and turns away from him, staring out the window. It’s almost frightening how still he manages to keep his body—whether this is a result of how much hiding he’s had to do over the course of the last five years or if it’s due to something else is a mystery. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix shuffles around in the blankets a little bit. “Leave if you’re just going to stare at nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There is silence for a long, horrible, drawn out moment—and then suddenly Dimitri is turning around, his good eye wild, lips curled. “Glenn,” he says, and it takes Felix a moment to realize that Dimitri is talking to </span>
  <em>
    <span>him, </span>
  </em>
  <span>not to the walls or to the ceiling or to whatever ghosts follow him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What.” Felix frowns more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you were dead,” Dimitri whispers, stepping closer to the bed. “I thought I’d lost you—“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix puts the pieces together in his brain. He looks like Glenn—he’s covered in bandages—he’s laying in an infirmary bed—it’s nighttime, dark, the candle just barely flickers light onto Felix’s face—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Say something to me,” Dimitri begs, but Felix has completely lost his voice. Words jumble together in his brain, trying to form anything coherent, but it doesn’t work. He is left speechless, staring at a Dimitri who isn’t Dimitri. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please,” he whispers, stepping closer, and he reaches out to grab at Felix’s arm and this is what makes him remember how to speak. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Snap out of it,” he says, waving his hand wildly in front of Dimitri’s face. “I’m not Glenn. You’re seeing things.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri’s face falls. “Why would you say that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I’m not Glenn. I’m Felix, and if you grab my fucking arm I will writhe in pain and you will regret it and beat yourself up over it for the next six years of your life.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This seems to be enough to get Dimitri to stop. He blinks, once, twice, stares at Felix—and then he flees the room, saying nothing else. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix sits in silence and wishes that he was somebody else. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>APPROXIMATELY NINE MONTHS AFTER EDELGARD’S PASSING, HARPSTRING MOON, 1187</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix returns to Dimitri like he promised he would. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It takes him longer than he originally thought, though. Felix does a lot of things in the nine months that he spends exclusively in Fraldarius, but he also does very few things at the same time. He thinks. He walks. He thinks. He signs papers. He thinks. He signs more papers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knew that he couldn’t think forever. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Felix return to Dimitri, it is not at Garreg Mach, it is at Fhirdiad. Despite the slightly cold air, some of the hardier flowers have begun to bloom in earnest, and it creates a collage of beautiful colors throughout and outside of the royal palace. It looks nice, Felix thinks as he walks up the long and wide staircase to the great hall. From the distance he can see the interior: gold and silvers line the walls and furniture, and large candle chandeliers dangle overhead.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri is aware of Felix's return. They wrote letters to one another over the last months, albeit sparsely. Dimitri never asked him when he would return—only asked how he was doing, if there was anything he could send to help. It was nice to not be pressured. Thoughtful. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They’re meant to meet together in a sort of garden area, as Felix has been told. A guard leads him up more stairs and down more halls until eventually they reach a door that leads out to one of the larger balconies. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s waiting for you,” the guard says, stepping aside and opening the door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Felix replies, and he looks straight ahead as he steps out onto the garden balcony, eyes forward, unwavering. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The balcony is shockingly beautiful. It's relatively small, about the same size as a standard dormitory, but it is decorated impressively. Large pots of flowers like the perimeter of the balcony, hosting a myriad of flowers, all different colors and sizes and shapes. In the center of the balcony is a small table and two chairs, made of metal and wood, colored like oak. The floor is a lovely cream colored stone, and it brings everything together perfectly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri is bending down in the corner, looking at something. From behind, Felix can already tell that he looks better than he had before—he’s larger now, less gaunt and twitchy, and his hair isn’t dull anymore and he isn’t trembling at all. This is a good sign. Although—even if he </span>
  <em>
    <span>looks </span>
  </em>
  <span>okay, there’s no guarantee that he’s actually all right. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri waits until the door is shut before he stands up, turns around, and faces Felix, a warm smile on his lips. “Felix,” he says, the name coated in fondness. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m here,” Felix replies, dumbly. He isn’t sure if they’re supposed to hug or </span>
  <em>
    <span>what </span>
  </em>
  <span>right now, so he continues to stand there without moving. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri echoes his words. “You’re here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look good,” Felix says, and then he coughs. “Better, I mean. You look much better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, do I? I’m glad to hear, considering how much effort has been put into getting me to where I am now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Effort?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Effort, yes. Lots of… consoling, and being reminded to eat meals.” He laughs a little bit, and Felix doesn’t understand why. “Things are not easy, but they are definitely not as hard.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s good,” Felix says. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think so too. And… I am glad that you’re here, finally. I waited for you. There are things I wish to talk about.” Felix’s eyes immediately widen, and Dimitri waves his hand a little bit, as if to reassure him. “Not yet, of course. You must settle in first.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure there are a lot of papers for me to sign,” Felix mumbles, stepping closer to Dimitri. He can see what he was fiddling with earlier—a metal ladybug garden figurine, popping out from some soil in one of the pots. “We can… talk about things, eventually.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There are plenty of papers, yes,” Dimitri replies, looking at the ladybug. “No need to rush things, either. I’d like to show you around. We can take our time. We both need some time to dawdle, wouldn’t you say?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix makes a gruff sound. “Yeah, I guess so.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wonderful.” Dimitri tugs his cape closer to himself. “Truly, though, Felix—I am so happy to see you again after so much time has gone by.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something is tightening itself in Felix’s throat, relentless. “I’m… glad to be here,” he manages to say. Nine months ago, he wouldn’t have been able to say that at all, so this is certainly an improvement. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri’s smile widens. “The feeling is mutual, then.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Felix breathes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a pause, and then Dimitri claps his hands together, practically beaming. “Well, then. Shall I show you around? There is plenty to see. I’d like to hear your thoughts on some of the rooms, as we’ve been redecorating. I feel as though you know much more about that sort of thing than me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, maybe.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose we’ll find out. Come, come, let’s get off this balcony before the bugs start to eat away at our skin,” Dimitri says. Felix follows him to the door and they slip back inside, leaving the metal ladybug and her living friends outside. </span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>Felix really does get the grand tour. It lasts about an hour, he thinks; maybe a little bit more than an hour. Dimitri shows him everything—all of the newly planted gardens and a newly built waterfall and a newly built sauna. There is so much to look at everywhere Felix goes. The amount of detail put into everything is… shocking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t know Dimitri had it in him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix has always been wary of Dimitri being king. He has no doubt that Dimitri is capable of doing it at least moderately effectively—but he’s so </span>
  <em>
    <span>kind, </span>
  </em>
  <span>so </span>
  <em>
    <span>benevolent </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>softhearted </span>
  </em>
  <span>that he practically opens himself up to be taken advantage of. And what’s more—he doesn’t exactly behave perfectly all the time. From what it sounds like, it seems that he still has a difficult time taking care of himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not that Felix is any more suited to be an advisor than Dimitri is suited to be a king, but. This is just the way that things have worked out. There is nothing that can be done at this point.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t want to up and leave Dimitri. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The tour finishes when Dimitri brings him down to the private dining hall, which also appears to be newly refurbished: the tables are shiny, unscratched, and the chairs look practically untouched. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Everything looks brand-new,” Felix says, running a finger along the back of one of the chairs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s because most everything is brand new. It took a while, but we’ve finally got some new construction underway.” Dimitri pauses. “I, ah… hope that it is to your liking.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You say that like you did all of this for me,” Felix mumbles. “It’s fine. I like it. It looks good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri is smiling again. “Lovely. How about we have dinner, then? Catch up with one another?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure,” Felix says, wondering what </span>
  <em>
    <span>catch up</span>
  </em>
  <span> entails conversation-wise. Hopefully nothing too emotionally intensive. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix undoubtedly wants to talk to Dimitri about their issues, he really does—but he’s had a long day of travel and would much rather eat something and then sleep. Hopefully Dimitri understands as much. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sit down together about thirty minutes later. An entire spread has been put out in front of them on shining plates—though none of it looks as appetizing as the food in Garreg Mach did. Sylvain was right; nobody in Faerghus understands how to cook. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix eats nevertheless, because he is hungry and wants something in his stomach before it starts folding in on itself. He steers away from the desserts that have been laid out on the end of the table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How have you been?” Dimitri asks, extremely conversationally and casually despite the indisputable tension in the air. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” Felix says, stabbing a snap pea with his fork. “I got a lot of the… issues regarding my father sorted out while I was back in Fraldarius. Lots of other related issues as well.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s good to hear. I’ll admit that I was a bit worried for you on that front, but didn’t want to… agitate you by offering help.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix’s face droops into a frown. So Dimitri is still wary around him. That’s completely fair, considering the words Felix has used on Dimitri in the past. But he’s trying to not do that anymore, trying to get a handle on himself, trying—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He is, really. He doesn’t want those nine months of reflection to go to waste. But it’s so very difficult. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fortunately I was able to sort it out without too many issues,” Felix says, avoiding the </span>
  <em>
    <span>I didn’t want to agitate you </span>
  </em>
  <span>remark as deftly as he can. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wish I could say the same about some of the things that have been happening around here,” Dimitri replies, sighing. “There is so much effort that needs to be put into… ruling an… area.” He fumbles over his words, awkward. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would hope so.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mm. I am pleased with the results so far. Things are being cleaned up, in the castle and elsewhere in villages and towns.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good,” Felix says, worrying his lip, trying hard to prepare himself for what he wants to share next. “That’s good. Dimitri, I…” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He trails off, and Dimitri raises an eyebrow. “You..?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… really appreciate that you let me take so much time off. To myself. I needed it. I wouldn’t be fit to do anything if you hadn’t been so patient.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know that you needed it,” Dimitri explains, gesturing mildly with his great big hands. “Do you want to know how I know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix’s face stops drooping and warps into a semi-scowl. “How?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because you haven’t called me </span>
  <em>
    <span>boar </span>
  </em>
  <span>once,” he says, tilting his head to the side like a curious dog. “And you’ve made eye contact with me longer than two seconds. This has never happened before. I can tell that you were thinking very hard for those nine months.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Felix grits, and he doesn’t know why he’s so annoyed. “I was.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am glad for that. If you still called me </span>
  <em>
    <span>boar </span>
  </em>
  <span>while working for me, I don’t think that others would take lightly to—“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know. I know. That’s one of the reasons why I wanted to not be here for a while.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“One of the reasons?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” They’re entering uncharted territory, and Felix’s stomach is twisting itself into knots upon knots upon knots, his insides trembling with every new word that comes out of Dimitri’s mouth. He tightens the grip around his fork. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something in Dimitri’s good eye flashes for a moment, but it’s gone just as quickly. “Of course,” he says. “Dinner is meant to be enjoyed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it is enjoyed, for the most part. They eat in relative silence, which is only a bit awkward (as opposed to </span>
  <em>
    <span>extremely </span>
  </em>
  <span>awkward). Felix does not touch his dessert at all, so Dimitri eats it for him. Thoughtful, considering he can’t taste anything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eventually they finish their meals. By the time they’re done the sun has already set deep under the horizon, and it occurs to Felix just how late he arrived here. Whoops. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri explains that he would like to show Felix his room, and Felix accepts, because he can’t really say no. They continue to say nothing to one another as Dimitri leads him up stairwell after stairwell until they eventually make it to a wide hallway with an extremely long white carpet laid out on the floor. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri stops at the third room on the left. He magically procures a key into the palm of his hand and unlocks the door, then gently pushes it open. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This room is yours,” Dimitri says. “It’s been prepared since the day you left, so rest assured, it has remained relatively untouched.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right,” Felix says, stepping into the room. He is acutely aware of how close he and Dimitri are to one another. “It looks nice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It looks more than nice, actually. The room is fairly large, and the bulk of open space is occupied by a big, round and ornate carpet. There’s a king sized bed in the center of the room with a canopy overhead—Felix has never had one of those before, not even in Fraldarius. His father did, though, but Felix would never even step foot into his room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Besides the bed, there are a couple of other pieces of furniture: a massive bureau, one so tall that the storage crates on top seem completely arbitrary. There’s a large mirror off to the side as well, with some decorationey bits at the top, and next to it are all of Felix’s things that he brought along from Fraldarius. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All in all, it is a very grand room, and Felix doesn’t know how to feel about that. Good? Bad? Neutral? Why would he feel bad?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t know why, and yet he does. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t keep you for long,” Dimitri says, smoothing his hand on the bedsheet absentmindedly. “The bath is just through that door in there. I am aware that you brought your own clothes, but there are some robes hanging up in the bath as well. Feel free to wear them if you like.” He pauses. “Oh, and the water tends to get hot very quickly, so do be careful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right,” Felix repeats. “Thanks.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well.” Dimitri stops smoothing the blankets out and steps over by the door. “I think that this is my cue to leave. I’ll see you tomorrow, Felix, yes?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah. Yes. I guess so.” He feels bizarrely unconfident, which never happens to him. What is going on? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Goodnight, then.” Dimitri’s hand is on the doorknob, twisting it. “Sleep well.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Goodnight,” Felix says, and his mouth stays open a little bit, because he wants to say something more, wants to explain himself for some reason, wants to—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—the door closes. Felix sighs, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This is fine, kind of. Not really. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix feels like a spark waiting to blow up. He’s been on edge all day long, from the moment that he left Fraldarius to the moment he arrived in Fhirdiadl. He feels as though he’s constantly on the verge of spitting his words out at Dimitri, and for no particular reason, either. He doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be upset, be irritated, but he can’t help that he’s so easily annoyed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No, no. He shouldn’t be looking for excuses. Those nine months of alone time were </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>for nothing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sighs again and heads for the bath. Maybe it’ll help him clear his head, he thinks. Or maybe he’ll fall asleep in the water after two minutes. There is an equally likely chance of either one of those things happening. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix strips, turns on the water, sits in the bath. It’s nice that water flows through here so easily, though Dimitri was right about it getting hot quickly. By the end of his bath Felix feels like his skin is about to start boiling—it’s all red and warm now. Feels good, but also doesn’t. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He puts on the robes gifted to him because they’re silk and silk is always comfortable. They’re blue silk, adorned with silver flecks all over a lacey pattern going along the arms. The robe drops down to Felix’s ankles, which makes him feel very short for some reason.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once he’s dried off and clothed, Felix flops onto the bed and stares out the window. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s… satisfied about being here. Not happy—his emotions are too torn up and discombobulated to be happy. Maybe eventually he’ll be happy about living and working here for the next indefinite period of time. Or maybe he won’t ever be happy about it. Either way, this is what he’s working with, so he may as well </span>
  <em>
    <span>try </span>
  </em>
  <span>to make the best of it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After all, Felix wouldn’t want to waste any more years isolating himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why did he do that? Why did he not let anybody in, why did he push everyone away, why did he refuse to make friends? Felix knows why. He knows exactly why; he knows that he’s too stubborn and lacks the patience to be friendly with people who don’t share similar views to him. He viewed relationships as nothing but a hindrance that comes between himself and training. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Or at least, that’s what he convinced himself was true. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In reality, Felix did care for those around him. He really did. But he cared for them in the wrong ways. He wasn’t sensitive enough, he didn’t spare anybody’s feelings, he didn’t care about those things. And some people didn’t mind—Sylvain didn’t mind. But not everybody is Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix hates himself sometimes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not always. Not like Dimitri or Sylvain. Felix is a confident person, and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows </span>
  </em>
  <span>that he’s confident and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows </span>
  </em>
  <span>that even if he’s saying something meanly, he’s still probably right. But in the few moments where he takes a step back and looks at himself—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix feels worthless. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m worthless, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he would tell himself some nights during his nine month break. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knows that he isn’t actually worthless. It doesn’t take a magician to figure that out; Felix has plenty of redeeming qualities in addition to his plethora of nonredeeming qualities. It’s just—even though he knows this, it doesn’t change the fact that he still hates himself sometimes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s no point in thinking about this,” he says aloud to the ceiling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The ceiling doesn’t respond, and so Felix blows out the candles in his new room and crawls under the blankets. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Despite everything, he falls asleep easily. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. it has to be lost in yesterday</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>part 2, aka, "felix is sad" ft emotional support claude</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The next morning goes like this:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix is woken up by a guard. He can tell that it’s later in the morning because of the way in which the sunlight pours through his room, the way that the birds sound outside. He hauls himself out of bed, changes, fixes his hair, and is led down by the patient guard to a private meeting room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, boy. Already?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are a few people around already, mumbling to one another—Felix doesn't really recognize most of them, and there are a couple people that he doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to recognize. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can see Claude, though. By himself in the corner of the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri isn’t here yet, and Felix is feeling awkward standing here, so—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felix!” Claude’s voice is purposefully loud and enthusiastic, clearly in an attempt to embarrass Felix. It works, and he walks on over to Claude in a very pouty manner with his arms crossed over his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” he asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing.” Claude is smiling already. “I was just surprised to see you here. I heard from a little bird that you disappeared off the face of the earth for a while.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whether or not that’s true is none of your business.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh? If you say so. Your reaction is definitely telling me that it’s true, though.” Claude crosses his arms over his chest, mirroring Felix. “What brought you back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Felix lies. “I got bored.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, okay. Clearly you have no intent of sharing anything right now, so I’ll go for a simpler question: how are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix can work with </span>
  <em>
    <span>how are you?</span>
  </em>
  <span> He uncrosses his arms, though, because he’s realized that Claude is mocking him. “Fine. I have no idea what this meeting is for, though. I wasn’t even told that there would </span>
  <em>
    <span>be </span>
  </em>
  <span>a meeting.” He pauses. “Why are you here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be pleased to know that this is going to be a long meeting,” Claude says with a sigh. “And me? I’m here because I’m a very important person.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not a real answer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Felix. If you aren’t going to share anything about yourself, then I’m not going to share anything about myself either. It’s only fair.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix opens his mouth slightly, ready to defend himself, but Dimitri chooses to enter the room at this exact moment and their conversation is cut short as everybody begins to take their seats. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come find me later and we can talk,” Claude says, winking. “Fill each other in. I’ll be here for a few days. I’m curious to hear your thoughts on everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘Everything’?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what I mean. Better take your seat, though. Advisor gets to sit next to the king—aren’t you lucky?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Felix can get another word in edgewise, Claude skitters away and heads for his seat, leaving Felix grasping at empty words and twitching at the prospect of having to sit next to Dimitri for this whole thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has to do it. He has no choice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix sits down and the meeting shortly commences afterwards. Cleanup and supplies for villages that are behind in the process of being rebuilt is discussed, and so is the budget for the rest of the year. Felix leans on his arm nearly the entire time, and his disinterested body language is probably not appropriate nor is it helping anybody, but. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sits that way nevertheless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The meeting does end, eventually, even though it feels like eons have passed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix is the second person to stand up, right after Dimitri. He immediately gets up, smacking his hands against the table as he does so with an overdramatic sigh, as if he just lost a round of poker. Claude gives him a funny look from across the table, but Felix ignores it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once nearly everyone has dismissed themselves out of the room, Dimitri turns to Felix, placing a big hand on his shoulder. The touch makes him flinch. “Felix,” he says, slowly, “I am asking you to be a little more… enthusiastic, during the next meeting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was enthusiastic,” he lies, again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you believe me to be more a fool than a rational person, but please do not play games with me. I… I want to do well, here. I am just asking for your support.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix sighs, rubbing the side of his jaw with his hand. “Fine, okay,” he mumbles. “Sorry. I’ll pay attention next time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri smiles at this, but the smile does not reach his good eye. Felix notices. “Wonderful. In any case, I have a few things to attend to today, but will be around in case you need me.” Pause. “Also, we will be having dinner together again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just the two of us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just the two of us,” Dimitri echoes. “Mainly because there is a lot of paperwork we need to discuss privately.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great.” Felix scrubs a hand over his face. “Okay. I’ll find you later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri waves him goodbye as he ducks his head to look at the stack of papers that have piled up in front of him, and Felix slips out of the room, not wanting to talk to anybody else. He feels like he doesn’t really have his bearings yet—it might be a good idea to go back to his room and unpack all of his things. He also wants to have a more comprehensive idea on the current state of things, so he could stop by the—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello again,” a voice says. Claude. He's grabbed Felix's wrist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix looks down at the hand that’s grabbing his wrist and swats it away, frowning. “I don’t like when people touch me without asking,” he explains, mildly perturbed because Dimitri just did the same exact thing a few minutes ago. What is it with people and personal space?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoops! My bad. I didn’t know if you’d ignore me if I only said your name, though,” Claude says. “I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix crosses his arms over his chest. “Whatever. What do you want?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Like he had before, Claude also crosses his arms across his chest; he puts on a pouting face just for a good show. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Well. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I was hoping we could have a little talk about his Majesty.” He leans in slightly. “I know that you’re dying to talk about him with somebody. So I’m offering you an ear.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix licks his lips, unsure about the offer. It’s true, he does want to talk about Dimitri with somebody—but at the same time, it’s not really in his nature to confide in people he doesn’t know very well. “How do you know I want to talk about him?” he asks instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A good question, Felix. The answer is simple: because you, a person who was nasty to his Majesty for the majority of the time you both interacted with one another at the academy, are now working as his advisor. That’s a little strange, wouldn’t you say? Adding that to the fact that you disappeared for a while, I think that—“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Felix waves a hand. “I get it. Fine. Sure. I’ll talk to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You could at least be a little bit more grateful about it,” Claude says. “Come with me. Let’s eat something together outside.”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>They settle down on one of the many private balconies that are strewn about the upper floors. It’s a pretty one—with a beautiful cobblestone floor and flowers hanging from hooks and tall ferns in wide, deep pots. It’s got a great view of the horizon, too—in the distance, cedar trees can be seen, tall and healthy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before this, though, Claude drags Felix down to the dining hall to get some snacks—cookies, mostly, and also a large assortment of different types of cheeses and crackers. Felix doesn’t touch any of it, not yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So,” Claude says once they're seated at a table on the balcony, holding a cookie up to the sky, inspecting it. “Dimitri?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix sighs. “Yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Claude coughs awkwards. “Felix. I’m offering to listen to your emotional issues regarding his Majesty, but you’re going to have to give me a little more effort than what you’re giving now. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>act the way you did during the meeting with me, because I’m not going to tolerate it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But the meeting was so boring,” Felix says, crossing his arms over his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Claude too crosses his arms over his chest, mocking Felix for the </span>
  <em>
    <span>third </span>
  </em>
  <span>time today. “Boo hoo. Your life is so hard. I can’t name anybody else who has ever had to sit through a boring meeting before. Do you need me to rub the stress out of your shoulders?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix tries not to rip his hair out. “Whatever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to get up and leave, Felix.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry.” Felix sighs. “I don’t usually do this… talking thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can tell. How about we start off with some questions?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix gives a little nod. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great. Why did you disappear for so long?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still don’t understand how you know that,” Felix prefaces, “but I… went back to Fraldarius for a while. To sort things out, both family-wise and personally.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Word gets around fast,” Claude explains. “You don’t strike me as the type to mull over your feelings like that for so long.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well, it’s a process that’s about ten years overdue for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ten?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Felix sighs. “It’s been a while. I had to come to terms with the fact that I’ve pushed everyone away. Selfishly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm, well. Regardless, I’m glad you took some time to yourself. You do seem a little more… mild now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix makes a </span>
  <em>
    <span>hmph </span>
  </em>
  <span>sound. “I guess that was sort of my intention. I’m still irritated by everything, but am trying to be less obvious about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d say that’s a start,” Claude says. “Anyway, since you answered my question, I’ll answer yours from earlier: why was I at the meeting?” Pause. “Because I want to help Dimitri.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How noble of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah? Aren’t you helping him too? You’re his advisor, after all. That’s quite a big deal.” Claude is smirking now. “I’m helping him because we share a similar… vision, you could say. And I know that he can’t unite everyone on his own. He’s very capable, but he’s also just…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unstable,” Felix finishes for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would have used a more gentle word, but yeah, that works too.” Claude sighs and leans back on his chair. He takes a bite of his cookie, contemplative. “You haven’t been around, so you haven’t seen anything yet, but—he still has his moments. I know he seems all fine and good, but that’s because he is an excellent pretender when it comes to his own mental wellbeing, especially nowadays where he has to pretend to be jovial all the time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm.” Felix is frowning so hard that his nose is wrinkled up. “I’m not surprised to hear that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I figured you wouldn’t be.” Claude looks him in the eyes. “Are you prepared to help him, Felix? Are you prepared to stand by his side? Because if you aren’t, you may as well go home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you cared for Dimitri so deeply.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I care about him as much as every other person close to him does. He suffered too long and too hard.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Felix whispers. “I know. And I can’t—I can’t help but blame myself for some of it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why so?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Being around me was… bad for him.” Felix is wincing. “Not in the way that you think, though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean, </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>because you insulted him every chance you got?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix curls his hands into fists so hard that it hurts. “Yeah. It was for another reason.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that reason is…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix doesn’t want to talk about this. “My brother,” he says, slowly, “died in the Tragedy of Duscur. And every now and then—during the war—Dimitri would look at me and see him. I would be my brother. And it made him—bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There was this one time, when I was in the infirmary—the way he looked at me is something I can’t ever forget.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He wasn’t seeing Felix. He was seeing your dead brother. Is that right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Felix says, and his voice has gone low and dull and pained. “That’s right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well.” Claude sniffles. “Is that why you were so mean to him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I guess—I guess that it’s related, but it wasn’t the exact reason why.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix runs a hand through his hair. He suddenly doesn’t want to talk about this, doesn’t want to think about any of this. He doesn’t want to think about Dimitri. But he has to. He has to think and talk and repair and be less annoyed. “Because I knew what he really was,” he starts, slowly, “I knew and nobody else did. I saw the bloodshed he was capable of.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And it made me sad beyond measure,” Felix admits, and it sounds weird to say it aloud. “Because he wasn’t—he wasn’t my Dimitri anymore. He was something else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Claude nods at him, encouraging him to keep talking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And it made me sad. But I couldn’t be sad. I’d forgotten how to be sad. I could only be angry. Could only be hurtful, because I thought he would understand best that way.” Pause. “It didn’t really work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it didn’t, clearly.” Claude sighs and picks up another cookie. “Eat something before I respond to all of that. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix does as he is told, picking up one of the cheese and cracker combinations and eyeing it warily before he eats it. They sit like this for a few minutes, in silence, doing nothing but eating. Claude must have consumed at least five cookies in the short time span. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All right,” he says. “Can I be completely honest with you, Felix?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A nod. “Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your anger is understandable. It is, really; I’m sure that you’ve had people tell you it wasn’t, but I think that it is and I think Dimitri would too, now. But at the same time—your anger wasn’t projected in the right way. You hurt feelings. Not always purposefully, but you did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix says nothing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s good that you want to own up to it, but why do you want to own up to it? To make yourself feel better, or to make other people feel better? To learn a new patience? Or to only change on the surface?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix continues to say nothing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not going to reward or compliment you for </span>
  <em>
    <span>being nice, </span>
  </em>
  <span>because that’s just common decency. But Felix…” Claude’s eyes suddenly go soft, and the knot in Felix’s stomach tightens. “Being nice is one thing. Recognizing that you’ve come back to Dimitri for </span>
  <em>
    <span>more than one reason </span>
  </em>
  <span>is another.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Felix asks, and he’s back to frowning again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not going to tell you. Work it out yourself. Think of it as a mystery!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it isn’t,” Claude tuts, aggressively pointing a cookie at Felix. “I’m being serious. Look deep inside yourself, Felix, seriously. I know that you can do it. And I know that you’re capable of easily getting what you want, so—you better think hard.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix has no idea what to say, and he also has no idea what Claude is referring to, so he sits there, mouth open, staring. “Uh…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Claude laughs at his confusion. “Anyway, that’s just my piece. It was good talking to you again. You look good. Your eyes aren’t as hard as they were before. And your mouth isn’t so tense.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I get it, yeah. Thanks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>More laughter. Claude stands up from his seat, then, and stretches his arms out above his head, as if he’s just taken a long and luxurious nap. “I’ll see you again, probably,” he says. “Like I said before, I’ll be here for a few days. If you ever need some more advice, just seek me out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All right,” Felix replies, because he has no idea what else he’s supposed to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Claude makes his way to the door and holds it open for a moment, looking back at Felix as he does so. “Remember what I told you. And remember that everything takes time. Good night!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then he shuts the door, and Felix looks up at the sky sourly, because it isn’t even the evening yet, let alone night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slumps into his chair. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Dinner is uneventful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was, as Dimitri had promised, a significant amount of paperwork to go over. It feels like they sign more documents than eat food, which is somewhat to be expected, considering how long Felix’s absence was. How did Dimitri even manage by himself? Who was helping him? Was it Dedue? Did Sylvain step in?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know. Felix didn’t really keep in touch with anybody at all during his disappearance save for those few letters to Dimitri and one to Sylvain. Other than that he kept completely to himself—whether or not that’s a detrimental thing is unbeknownst to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They finish eventually, though the sun has completely gone down by the time that they do. To be fair, they had dinner later in the evening than they had originally intended to, but seeing a night sky really made things feel like they had taken an extra long time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix is ready to collapse into bed once they’ve cleaned everything up and he doesn’t know why—he woke up late today, didn’t train, and barely did anything strenuous. All he did was sit and listen to people speak, for the most part. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels… weak. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately for him, though, Dimitri has other plans. He comes up to Felix from behind, lingering over his shoulder as he watches him collect a stack of papers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix can feel him breathing down his neck. “What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, nothing. I was wondering if you’d like to look at the stars with me before retiring for the night. They’re quite nice. Especially from the balcony.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix has absolutely no idea how to respond. He went from refusing to use Dimitri’s name to being invited to </span>
  <em>
    <span>look at the stars </span>
  </em>
  <span>with him in the span of less than a year, which is really something considering how </span>
  <em>
    <span>long </span>
  </em>
  <span>it took him to start saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dimitri. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. He’s been rendered speechless quite a lot recently, hasn’t he? “Um,” he tries, “Sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There. He’s accepted. And now Dimitri is nodding, and he is smiling a lot, and then time skips itself and they are suddenly standing on a balcony under the night sky and thousands upon thousands of stars. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not anything he hasn’t seen before. The stars can actually be seen even better in Fraldarius, so this technically shouldn’t be anything special, but it is. It’s something very special. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is special because Felix hasn’t spent time with Dimitri like this since they were children. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re nice,” he says after a long beat of silence. Clearly Dimitri didn’t want to be the person to speak first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They are.” Dimitri nods in agreement, and he pauses to pull off his robe and drape it onto a chair. Felix realizes that he hasn’t seen him without a big hulking cape covering his body in quite some time now—and it makes him look incredibly vulnerable, incredibly open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And besides that, it shows off how much he’s changed, too. The slightly emaciated, gaunt Dimitri with deep, swollen blue spots underneath his eyes is no longer in front of him—instead it is a larger Dimitri, one with more muscle mass and big, warm hands, and a lovely face and also—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felix,” Dimitri says, waving a hand. “Is there something on my face?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix blinks. He’s been staring. Fuck. “No, I was just… zoning out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doing some thinking?” Dimitri asks, raising an eyebrow. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Felix says to himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thinking about how nice your face is, apparently. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“I guess so. Not about anything important.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, well. I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing, would you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe not.” Felix leans more of his weight against the balcony railing, worrying his lip. “Would you take off your eyepatch for me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence follows. Harsh silence. Gutting silence. It rings in Felix’s ears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Dimitri finally asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I want to see,” Felix says. “It’s only fair.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve seen my—you’ve seen my Thoron scars before. Without asking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. I… have?” Dimitri makes a very puzzled looking face, and Felix can tell that he isn’t lying. He genuinely doesn’t seem to remember. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A lump swells in Felix’s throat. “Yeah. You did. It was back when things were…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...bad,” Dimitri finishes for him, and Felix nods. “I apologize for not being able to remember. My memories from then are… scattered at best.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Felix says, and for some reason he’s removing his coat to show off his sleeveless shirt, to show off his scarred arms and shoulders from the Thoron accident so many months ago. The scars haven’t faded much—there are still long, white veiny streaks that run up his arms and shoulders, very much as if he were struck by a bolt of lightning, because he kind of was. They’ve started to turn slightly purple as time has passed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Dimitri breathes, his throat caught around something. “I… wasn’t aware.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Felix repeats. “They don’t bother me anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I—no, no.” Dimitri shakes his head. “Never mind, I apologize.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say it.” Pause. “Tell me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri purses his lips and looks up to the sky for a moment, saying nothing. “I used to think I could talk to the dead by speaking to the sky,” he whispers, and then he’s suddenly looking at Felix again. “May I touch them? The scars?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix can’t find it in himself to say anything, so he simply holds his arm out instead. He watches Dimitri grab it ever so gently—it’s easy to tell how hyperaware he is of his own strength—and Felix tries not to corkscrew his eyes shut. Dimitri is looking at his arm like it’s the most beautiful, most fascinating thing in the world, and he’s running his fingers along the long, wicked scars, saying nothing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This is too intimate, too fast. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um,” Felix tries. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri drops his arm. “Ah, sorry. I just… I was caught up in how alive they look. And feel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow, Felix knows exactly what Dimitri means. He nods awkwardly and shuffles his coat back on, buttoning the top of it and leaving the rest open. “Yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am sorry you had to go through the pain that led to those scars,” Dimitri says softly, sadly, and Felix wishes he could stuff feathers into his own ears so that he doesn’t have to hear such a somber tone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Felix mumbles for the third time. “So can you take your eyepatch off now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sad smile on Dimitri’s face warps into something a little more amused, and he sighs quietly, standing up straight. “Yes,” he says. “Take it off of me yourself, though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Why?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because otherwise I will not show it to you. If you want to see my eye so bad, you must do it yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix is utterly flummoxed by Dimitri’s behavior tonight. Has he always been like this? Or is this new? “Fine, whatever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri leans forward a little bit, and Felix does, too. He reaches up behind Dimitri’s head and undoes the little knot back there with his deft fingers, and holds it in place for a moment, even after it’s untied, as if preparing himself. He slips the eyepatch off of Dimitri’s head, and the palm of his hand brushes against his blond hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Time is moving wonkily again, as it had earlier. Slower yet faster at the same time. Linear yet fragmented. So much at once. Felix hasn't laid a hand on Dimitri like this since they were kids. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He wasn’t my Dimitri anymore</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Felix remembers his words to Claude. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He was something else. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix wishes he could cry. But it never seems to work when he tries. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the eyepatch is completely off, Felix draws his hands back to himself, holding the patch in his cupped hands as he looks at Dimitri’s face. The eye is intact, still, which Felix finds surprising, but it’s clear that he can’t see out of it anymore. The cornea has gone all light blue and grey, and there are three jagged scars coming out from the sides. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It must have hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should keep it off,” Felix finds himself saying. “When you’re around me, you should keep it off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri smiles at this. “I’ll consider it. You know, Felix, you’re still as bossy as ever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying to be supportive about this and you’re calling me bossy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now Dimitri is laughing, light and carefree and kind. Felix thinks he’s going to pass out from how much his chest hurts. “I apologize. But I will consider it, I promise. I… am admittedly very self conscious of it. I worry that it may be upsetting to some.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who cares?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri blinks. “Excuse me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said who cares? You shouldn’t have to worry about what other people think about it. You don’t have to repress yourself for the sake of others’ comfort.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri blinks again. “I—yes, I suppose you’re right. Where is this coming from?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nowhere,” Felix grumbles, sighing, slumping forward against the railing again and looking up at the sky. “It doesn’t matter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you say so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pause. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix shifts his eyes over to Dimitri. “Do you still talk to the dead? When you look at the sky?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah… truthfully, yes, sometimes. I try not to, because it isn’t good for me, but every now and then I find myself needing to talk to someone but having nobody to confide in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you confide in people who can’t listen,” Felix says, deadpan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do. As futile as my words may be, they still will not tell anybody. They can be good to confide in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just don’t—lose yourself again by doing that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, Felix. I am more aware of my limits now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix sighs and fixes his eyes on one of the stars. He pretends, just for a moment, that the star is Glenn. “I was worried about you,” he says, and he isn’t sure if he’s talking to the star or to Dimitri or to both or to nobody. “For a long time. I know it doesn’t seem that way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew,” Dimitri whispers. “I did, I promise. You are relentless in your caring, Felix. Under your harsh words and harsh hands, you hold a lot of worry for the safety of those around you. Others may not have noticed it, but I did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix says nothing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can hardly blame you for being so frustrated for so long,” he continues. “Well—I can blame you a little bit. But I understand where you were coming from.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It doesn’t change that I wasn’t sensitive enough. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is true. Still, my sentiment remains the same.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix wrings his hands together, not sure what to say for a moment. He has to resist the urge to run away, to leave the balcony and go back to Fraldarius. He has never been someone who wants to run away—so why does he feel this way right now? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’re willing, I would like to… work past all of that. Um. Create a new relationship with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri is smiling again. “Of course. I would like that as well. A blank slate, perhaps.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Blank slate.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was hoping you would say all of this,” Dimitri admits. “Because you are my advisor, after all. I like to think that we can get along like we did when we were younger.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe a little differently from then,” Felix says under his breath. “But okay. Yeah. Let’s—do that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. I’ll hold you to it.” Dimitri hums, obviously quite pleased. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Felix supposes, as he looks deep into the sky, deep into the stars, that he is pleased as well. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. easily charmed by fools</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Time passes, and Felix gets used to his routine. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His days mostly go like this: wake up early in the morning, eat something small, train for a few hours, eat something bigger, attend a meeting or two, eat some more, potentially train some more, meet with Dimitri for a few hours to discuss business and planning, have dinner with Dimitri, spend even more time with Dimitri for a few hours, go to sleep. On days where he doesn’t have meetings, he reads, or he naps, or he finds something mildly productive to do with his time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s nice to get back to consistency. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And as mundane as his days sound, Felix doesn’t really mind it, because this is miles better than being at war. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix doesn’t know what to make of the war. He’s always felt as though fighting and training and being stronger was his only true purpose in life—but at the same time, he despises unnecessary bloodshed, despises deaths that are pointless. He is torn between his purpose and wasted lives. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And he feels bad for being torn between the two. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s no need to think about this right now, though, not really. Felix makes it a point to only think about the things going on right in front of him. Staying in the present is key, he feels, in not only helping Dimitri but in staying on track in his own life as well. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Or something like that, anyway. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It does seem to be working, more or less. It’s been just over a month since Felix has returned to Fhirdiad, and things have been relatively stable. Dimitri seems to be doing just fine—he smiles a lot, and he talks about things he enjoys, and he spars with Felix sometimes. He still removes his eyepatch when it’s just the two of them, too, which Felix is happy about. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nevertheless, Felix continues to keep a close eye on Dimitri and his well-being as he has always done before. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another nice thing is that the weather is finally becoming favorable. Faerghus is known for its shitty cold climate, but now that summer is approaching, it’s finally possible to start wearing short sleeves again. Not that Felix owns too many short sleeved clothes suitable for being in public, but—he has plenty for private occasions, and he wears them around Dimitri. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri—who was someone Felix despised for so long, someone who Felix was worried about—and is still worried about—for so long, someone who Felix wanted to help for so long. They’ve gotten closer than he imagined they would during this last month. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For the first time in ages, Felix feels like he knows Dimitri again. He isn’t the same as the Dimitri from Felix’s childhood—that Dimitri is long gone, long dead. But he is still Dimitri nonetheless. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix has realized that wishing for the old Dimitri to come back was a massive mistake on his part. He was so caught up in the Dimitri that he once knew that he wasn’t able to open his eyes and look at the current one. Even if he’s different, he’s still an important person in Felix’s life. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It has taken him far too long to realize that. He feels like a selfish idiot. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s fine, though, because both himself and Dimitri are giving one another a second chance. It’s a mutual thing—if it weren’t, they wouldn’t be able to learn how to grow comfortable around one another again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And comfortable they </span>
  <em>
    <span>are, </span>
  </em>
  <span>at least by Felix’s standards. Besides the fact that they have dinner nearly every single night together, he and Dimitri also spend a good chunk of time after dinner together too, either in the library or on the balcony or what have you. It’s nice—to sort of be able to pick up from where they left off in their childhood. Refreshing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Today, though—today they’re doing something new. It was Dimitri’s idea. They’re going to head on down to the small, secluded lake on the castle grounds, walled in by tall stones. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s warm, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Dimitri had said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Let’s go for a swim. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A swim. This is something else that Felix hasn’t done in ages, mostly because he hasn’t had any reason to, being an adult. But perhaps it’s okay to indulge in some of the more childish things in life. Perhaps it’s okay. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d never admit it to himself, but sometimes Felix misses being a kid. He doesn’t miss all of the crying, but he misses being able to do things without getting irritated at the first sign of difficulty. It’s hard to maintain his image as a stick in the mud. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He and Dimitri are headed down to the lake by themselves. Dimitri has brought along an entire picnic basket, which is surprising for some reason—Felix never pegged him as the type to like that sort of thing. He’s also brought along towels, which he carries over his shoulder. Felix offered to carry them but was met with a firm </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t worry about it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They set their things down in the grass by a tree. Dimitri hangs two of the towels up on a branch and flaps the third one out in the wind before setting it down on the ground. Felix watches, hands on his hips, and it comes to his attention how very intimate this scene is. He doesn’t know how to feel about that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hope that the food I packed is suitable,” Dimitri says, opening up his picnic basket and showing some of the contents inside. It’s a little hard to tell what’s in there because he’s packed it so full. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure it’s fine,” Felix replies, waving his hand dismissively. He looks up at the sky and squints; the sun is profusely bright today, its UV rays streaming down on the earth below. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Swim first?” Dimitri asks. “Or shall we eat first?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eating before swimming causes cramps. Let’s swim first.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was hoping you’d say that. Food tastes so much better after you’ve gone for a swim, don’t you think?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix gives a halfhearted nod and peels his shirt off, hanging it up on a branch along with the towels. “I guess so. Do you do a lot of swimming, then?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, sort of. I haven’t done any since you have returned, because things have been slightly busy. But before that I swam quite frequently. I’ve grown very fond of this lake. It’s quite conveniently placed by the castle.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, it is. Is it mad-made?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have never thought to find out or ask, but my guess is that it is man-made.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It looks too round to be natural,” Felix says, and now he’s pulling off his pants and hanging them up too. He doesn’t have anything adequate to swim in, so he just opted to wear briefs. “But I don’t know enough about lakes to make an educated guess beyond that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll find out for you,” Dimitri says, stripping out of his clothes as well. He folds his things and places them on the ground, seeing as there isn’t much clear branch space left. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You really don’t have to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It will satiate my own curiosity as well.” Dimitri pulls his eyepatch off of his head and adds it to the items on the floor. “Let us stop talking about this. Care to swim?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Felix says, and he’s already turning around and walking down to the lake’s shoreline. He has his hands on his hips, and he goes to test out the temperature of the water by dipping his toe in. It isn’t terribly cold, fortunately; though Felix doesn’t know why he’s so concerned about the temperature of the water considering all the freezing bodies of water he swam in as a kid. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How is it?” Dimitri asks, apparating by Felix’s side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why don’t you find out?” Felix says, and he immediately has an idea. Before Dimitri can respond to him, Felix quickly pushes him by the shoulder—as hard as he can, because Dimitri is big and appears immovable—into the lake water. Dimitri falls in with about as much grace as can be expected of someone with his stature, and the water around him splashes intensely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix crosses his arms over his chest, feeling pretty smug about himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because they’re still by the shore, the water isn’t very deep, so Dimitri doesn’t plummet completely underwater. He makes an amused sort of facial expression and sits up, right on the silty and mossy lake floor. “I’ve found out,” he says, the smile on his face growing wider by the second. “It’s quite nice, Felix. You really should come in with me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Felix says, walking into the shallow water, approaching Dimitri.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In hindsight, he supposed that he should have expected Dimitri to retaliate in some sort of way, but at the same time—Dimitri doesn’t give off the aura of someone who has the silliness to do such a thing. Nevertheless, though, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>does </span>
  </em>
  <span>retaliate, and it comes completely out of left field.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All of the sudden, Felix feels a strong hand wrap around his calf; and before he has the time to process it, he’s being tugged forward and down. Felix slips on the mossy ground and falls right onto his ass in the water, mud dispersing itself all over the place because of the disturbance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ouch,” he says, wincing, even though it didn’t hurt. “What the hell, Dimitri?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a moment, there is stark silence, and then all at once Dimitri bursts out into laughter, clearly proud of what he’s done. It takes Felix a moment, but then he starts laughing, too—awkwardly at first but then genuine, so genuine that it surprises him and nearly makes him gasp.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hasn’t heard himself laugh in what must be </span>
  <em>
    <span>years.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now we’re both in the water,” Dimitri says cheerily, running the tips of his fingers along the surface of the water. “Is the temperature to your liking?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I guess, yeah.” Felix flips himself onto his stomach and crawls over to Dimitri like that into the slightly deeper water. He cringes at the pits of mud that he continuously sticks his hands into. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good. I cannot change it regardless, so I am glad it’s suitable.” He’s clearly being facetious right now. It’s interesting, because Dimitri is never like this. Felix feels as though he’s seeing a very private, special side to Dimitri. It’s like their own little secret.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s like their own little secret. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I figured,” Felix mumbles, and he quickly stands up and dives into the deeper area of the lake to hide the smile that is blooming across his face. Embarrassing. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Embarrassing</span>
  </em>
  <span>. When was the last time Dimitri made Felix smile? It’s been ages. Longer than ages; it’s been what feels like eons.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pops up to the surface, and when he does, he is immediately greeted by a wall of hair falling into his eyes. He makes a sort of grumbly noise and swipes a hand over his face to push the hair back up over his head, reaching back to untie his hair. Clearly his ponytail needs to be fixed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix,” Dimitri calls, swimming over from the shallow end. “Let me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let you what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let me do your hair for you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix makes a face. “What do you know about hair?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I have some of it, if that’s what you mean. On my head.” Dimitri looks as though he’s just said the funniest thing in the world. Felix doesn’t know what to do about it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not what I—what do you know about—” he waves his hand around, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>—styling</span>
  </em>
  <span> hair?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, well. I know how to do a braid, if that is what you’re talking about. I also know how to tie up hair. Do you not remember how I would wear it sometimes?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Guess it slipped my mind,” Felix says. “Fine. If you want to do it so bad, then come here and fix it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri doesn’t need any more prompting than that. He swims the rest of the way over and moves to stand behind Felix. It occurs to him that Dimitri is probably tall enough to still reach the bottom of the lake, whereas Felix is stuck treading water. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everything is happening in slow motion. Dimitri’s hands come up to rest in Felix’s hair, and he combs through the mess with his fingers a few times, untangling some of the loose knots. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As Dimitri works on pulling Felix’s hair together, it dawns on him that all of this—swimming in a lake privately together, eating dinner together for weeks, spending evenings together for weeks—is so very intimate. Not to mention the fact that Dimitri has his hands on him right now, and he’s moving much too slowly, much too gently, and Felix can feel his hands brushing against the wet skin of his neck, and— </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All at once, Felix’s stomach lurches forward, and he has a revelation. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wants this. He wants to spend time with Dimitri, just the two of them. He wants Dimitri to put his hands on him, to feel his warm touch, and he wants to keep talking to Dimitri too, as much as he can. It hadn’t come to his attention just </span>
  <em>
    <span>how </span>
  </em>
  <span>comfortable they’ve gotten around one another in such a short period of time, and now Felix is— </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, he wants more. He wants all of it and more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This may prove to be a problem.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He lets Dimitri finish tying his hair back and then reaches to feel what he’s done. It’s braided, he realizes, and his eyes widen as he touches his hair. “I thought you were joking when you said you know how to do a braid.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Felix, have I ever made a joke in my entire life?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix nearly laughs again. “I guess you haven’t. Well, thanks anyway. I don’t get my hair braided very frequently, and it’s…”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“New? Different?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s nice,” Felix finishes, and he’s aware that Dimitri is still staring at him pretty intensely. He pretends to ignore it for the sake of his own sanity. “You did a good job.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Such a generous compliment, considering that you cannot even see it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Will you please accept the compliment anyway?” Felix says, crossing his arms over his chest and scowling again. He is reminded of Claude mocking him by imitating his arm-crossing posture, and immediately uncrosses them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sinks down a little deeper into the water, floating closer to the center of the lake as he stares up at the sky, head tilted away from the sun. From the other direction he can hear Dimitri wading closer to him, and he wonders if he’s still able to stand, even in the middle of the lake. “Can you stand here?” he asks, too curious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh? Somewhat. My toes can just touch the bottom, if I try very hard. There is a portion of the lake where I cannot stand at all, though, if that is what you are wondering.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So tall,” Felix mumbles. “I’m jealous of you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, height is nothing to be jealous of. Besides, you are tall in your own right, are you not?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m average sized,” Felix says. “I’m being serious about the jealousy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Honestly, Felix, you shouldn’t be.” Dimitri wades up to Felix’s side and then stops, turning onto his back to float as well.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not just your height. It’s… other things.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Other things?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix swallows thickly. This sort of conversation has been long overdue, and for as comfortable as he has been with Dimitri the last month, he also feels as though… they need to talk about some things in order to come to a true understanding with one another. “Yeah,” he says, slowly. “I've always been jealous of you. Especially… before.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Is that why you were so mean to me?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix squeezes his eyes shut. “That was part of the reason, yeah. I…” He sighs, and takes a breath of air to spare himself an extra moment of time. “You’ve always been so strong, but being strong is… was my thing. My special purpose. You hardly had to try to be strong, you had your crest and—I guess I had mine too, but it was different.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri is silent, as if urging Felix to continue speaking. “And everyone… liked you so much. You didn’t have to </span>
  <em>
    <span>try </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be something important. Meanwhile, I had to—turn myself into someone I wasn’t in order to get recognition. In order to live up to everyone’s standards of Glenn. Did you know, when I was a child, that I overheard someone say that I should have died instead of him?” Felix opens his eyes up, because his head is starting to hurt. “I knew that I couldn’t be myself anymore after that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a moment, there is nothing but silence. The two of them float on their backs in the lake, underneath the warm sun, and they both contemplate Felix’s words. Perhaps he shouldn’t have shared that. Perhaps it might make things worse—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix,” Dimitri says, and his voice is so soft and sad that it </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurts</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “You jealousy is completely understandable, and in a way, completely warranted. But you know that what you saw wasn’t really the case, right? So many adults only got close with me to use me for their own noble gains. It was more about them and less about me. And my crest—”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I know,” Felix grits. “I know. And that’s what made me even more angry. I was jealous of lies. I was a lie. And I couldn’t control any of it, let alone your actions. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“And so you were mean instead.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah. I was mean instead. I didn’t know what else to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix,” Dimitri says again. “Your harsh words seldom deeply affected me, because they were things that I already knew. It doesn’t mean you are free from guilt, but… I thought perhaps you’d like to hear that.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It doesn’t change the fact that I was a dick.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I suppose not. But you no longer speak to me that way. I can tell that you don’t want to. I can tell that you are sorry. Isn’t that what is important?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Funny coming from you,” Felix says under his breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I said, funny coming from you, someone who is constantly stuck in the past.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“That is true. I won’t deny that. But, like you, I have gotten much better at staying in the present, although our issues are completely different and thus not very comparable. I still think that the idea is the same, though. We are helping each other grow.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. We are. I—”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix stops and frowns. He probably shouldn’t say anything more, lest he ends up sharing something </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> private and personal. He tries to think of something else to say, and then, all at once he remembers what Claude said to him before:</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You’ve come back to Dimitri for more than one reason. Look deep inside yourself, Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Claude was right. Of course he was right. Felix has returned to Dimitri for more than one reason.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You..?” Dimitri says, and Felix suddenly remembers that they’re in the middle of a conversation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t remember what I was going to say,” he mumbles, moving off of his back and into a standing position. “Thank you for being so kind to me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri, too, floats off of his back and into an upright position. “There is no need to thank me. I’d like to thank you, however, for trying to come and understand me. It means more than words could describe, if I’m being honest.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix goes all red in the face at that—he can feel his cheeks start to heat up incrementally, and to hide it, he dips his head underwater. It feels nice, considering how he was just previously laying directly in the sun’s path. When he resurfaces on the water, his face is significantly cooler, and he feels much better, even though he realizes it was sort of strange to do that mid-conversation. “As long as you’re happy,” he says, and then he nearly claps a hand over his mouth because </span>
  <em>
    <span>wow </span>
  </em>
  <span>that came out sounding way more honest than he thought it would.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri smiles again. “I am,” he affirms. “Felix, pardon me for bringing up something so unrelated, but… shall we wrestle?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix blinks, shocked. “What?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Wrestle. You know, as a test of strength sort of thing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… okay, yeah,” Felix says, and he’s still completely surprised because he isn’t moving. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This isn’t the same Dimitri as before, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thinks to himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s… more like a person again. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then all at once, before he has the chance to think about this any more, Dimitri launches himself at Felix and they begin their match.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>When they finish swimming, they eat (Dimitri won the wrestling match—unsurprising). They lay spread out on the comfortable blanket underneath the shade of the tree and talk about one another, talk about other people, talk about nothing at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix ends up falling asleep on his stomach, and in his haze, feels Dimitri touch his braid, so gently, his touch barely-there. But he feels it nonetheless, and when he wakes up and they trek back inside the castle, he thinks that the sunburn his nose received was entirely worth it.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Shortly after, Claude returns to the castle again.</p>
<p>
  <span>In truth, Felix had forgotten Claude’s offer to talk more about Dimitri when they spoke a month ago. But with the advent of his </span>
  <em>
    <span>feelings </span>
  </em>
  <span>epitome that Felix had while swimming a few days ago, he’s been absolutely dying to talk to somebody about it. But who could he turn to? Guards? Letters to Sylvain that might be read? Dedue, who doesn’t trust him?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He didn’t have anybody to talk to, and it was frustrating, especially because he felt as though he had so very much to say. When he received word that Claude was returning for another meeting, though, Felix jumped at the opportunity. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix attends the same meeting that Claude attends—it is similar to the first meeting he went to, back when he was too obvious about his boredom. This time around Felix is much more reasonable in his behavior, less slumped over in his seat and more focused on what is being said. He gives his input on some of the issues being discussed—namely budget proposals for sending out supplies—and glances at Claude sitting across the table all the while. Claude looks back, making facial expressions that show he’s curious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the meeting is over—and it takes a </span>
  <em>
    <span>while </span>
  </em>
  <span>this time, long enough that Felix’s lower back aches from sitting down for so long—he immediately flees the room, waiting just outside the door for Claude. Felix grabs Claude by the arm when he finally exits, and tugs him forward just slightly, enough to move him out of the way.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re copying me,” Claude says, looking down at his trapped arm. “Is there something you need?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix lets go of his arm and sighs. “Can we talk?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“After you completely forgot I existed last time?” Claude smirks. “Why would I talk to you after that?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix makes a grumbling sort of sound and stares down at the floor. “I don’t know. Because I need someone to talk to. I took too long to figure out what you meant last time.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“And what did I mean last time, Felix? Tell me.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>There’s another grumbling sound, and then Felix looks up from the ground and harshly into Claude’s eyes. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Can you just help me?” He pauses and sighs. “Please.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oooh, I got a </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span> out of you! You must be desperate. All right, we can talk. How about the same spot as last time?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah, sure, whatever.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Great! Go wait for me, I’m going to get some food for myself. Maybe some for you, depending on how generous I’m feeling when I get to the kitchen.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix rolls his eyes and watches as Claude walks away. He walks in the other direction, up the towering stone stairs and down a hallway lit by a long stream of sunlight pouring in through the open windows. It’s taken him some time to figure out his way around the castle, but now he’s confident in his ability to locate most rooms and hallways. How Claude is also able to easily navigate himself around is a complete mystery, though.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He waits on the garden balcony area for Claude with his hand resting on top of his arms. Since they last spoke, the garden has flourished quite a bit—there are more blooms than there were before, more colors and more to look at. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He patiently sits at the table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Claude arrives soon enough toting a plate of food. He sets it down on the table and takes the seat opposite of Felix, immediately picking up a cold cut from his plate and wrapping it around some sort of cracker. “You Faerghus folk have a terrible selection of food,” he says, matter-of-factly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m aware,” Felix mumbles, lifting his head up from his arms. “It’s unfortunate. You don’t have to eat it if you don’t like it, though.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Well, I have to eat </span>
  <em>
    <span>something </span>
  </em>
  <span>while I’m here. I can’t just sustain myself on air and misery.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Is that what we have here? Air and misery?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“And poor attitudes, yeah.” Claude picks up some more meat and wraps it around yet another cracker. “Anyway, though. Talk to me about Dimitri. You said it took you a while to figure out what I meant?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It did, yeah,” Felix says, and he’s talking through gritted teeth. “I… uh. Haven’t…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Claude doesn’t interrupt, only looks at Felix thoughtfully, waiting for him to gather his thoughts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not someone who thinks about… romance, very much. It’s always been an afterthought. Something unimportant to me. Friendships were something I viewed in a similar light.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You thought them to be more or less meaningless, yeah?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I don’t know if meaningless is the word. It’s more… something I didn’t have any interest in. I guess. It sounds ridiculous saying it aloud, but that’s what I thought for the longest time.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hey, it’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>entirely </span>
  </em>
  <span>ridiculous. I can understand it to a certain degree.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hearing Claude say this reassures Felix enough for him to feel less stupid. He rubs his forehead with his hand, making sure to not get too close to his hair, which has been neatly braided by Dimitri. He wonders if Claude knows Dimitri did his hair—not that there are any clues to signify this, but Claude is so observant that Felix isn’t sure what he pretends to know and what he actually knows.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, well. Thanks. The point is that I’ve never thought about it before, and now I think about it… frequently.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“In regards to Dimitri.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes,” Felix says, throat tight. “But I’m his advisor. And I don’t know how he feels. I’m not good at reading people. I need to make the feelings go away.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No you don’t, Felix. Honestly.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes I do.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, you don’t. So what if you’re his advisor? The people who support Dimitri should be reasonable and private enough to not pry into your relationship with him too much, nor do they have the authority to question it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You </span>
  </em>
  <span>would be the one with the authority to question it. Because that’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>position. Being his advisor actually puts you at an advantage here.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But I can’t—”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Figure out what Dimitri is thinking? Have you ever thought to ask him?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix purses his lips for a moment and then sighs. “No, I haven’t. It would be a bad idea.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because it’s—this isn’t how it’s supposed to be! What are you not understanding?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I understand perfectly. You, his advisor, childhood friend, young adult instigator—should not be having romantic feelings for him. But you do. How long you’ve had those feelings is unimportant. The fact that you’ve had difficulty with one another in the past is important, but with how close you appear to be now—I saw the way you talked to him before the meeting started—how much of an issue is it anymore?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s. Not a big issue anymore. But it doesn’t change the fact that we—”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes it does, Felix. You can’t keep dwelling on the way past relationships manifested themselves. You have to look at what you have </span>
  <em>
    <span>now. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Think about that. Think about what you can do. I know you wanted to hear me say that you should let go of your feelings for Dimitri. I know that you wanted to hear me say you need to get rid of them. But you don’t have to do that. You should hold onto them.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Why? What good will that do?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Because it’s healthy. Because you shouldn’t have to stifle yourself anymore. Wasn’t that the point of your nine month long retreat? To try and amend that way of thinking?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix chews his lip, not sure what to say. He hates that Claude is right. He hates that all of the points he’s making are right. There is no disputing that what Claude is saying is true, and there is no disputing that Claude believes his own words to be completely true, too—he’s saying them with such conviction, with such effort. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It sounds like he wants to help Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s say I decide to act on my feelings. Then what do I do? What if he finds me to be a fool?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Then you’ll have to accept it. It’ll be awkward, but eventually you’ll get over it. Isn’t it better to tell him? Isn’t it better to get it off of your chest? Don’t you think Dimitri would want to hear it, too? I think it would mean a lot to him, regardless of whether or not he feels the same. Although…”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix raises an eyebrow. “Although?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Claude pauses for a long moment. He takes his sweet time picking up another slice of meat, wrapping it around a cracker with such precision that it makes Felix want to scratch his nails against the table. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Although?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>he asks, leaning forward.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Be patient,” Claude says, wiping crumbs off of his thighs. “What I was going to say is that I have a feeling Dimitri may feel similarly.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Please. You don’t know that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You clearly haven’t been paying attention to the way he looks at you. And your hair? You want to tell me that you were able to braid your own long hair so nicely without a single loose strand? I’ve never seen you wear a braid before in my life.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What are you trying to say?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I don’t think that Dimitri would offer to braid your hair so delicately if he didn’t care for you immensely,” Claude explains. <em>So he can somehow tell.</em> “And I also don’t think that he would look at you the way he does if he weren’t fond of you.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Fondness doesn’t equate to romance.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“That’s true. But Felix,” Claude says, sighing. “I think you should tell him anyway. I do. You keep trying to come up with counterpoints, but… why? The two of you will move on if it doesn’t work out. You’re so special to him, I wish that you could see it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe I haven’t been paying close enough attention.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You clearly haven’t.” Pause. “I really don’t feel like talking in circles with you anymore, so listen to me. Ultimately, whether you want to act on your feelings or not is entirely up to you. I’m only giving you my opinion. But I was right last time, wasn’t I? And I think that I’ll be right again.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix says nothing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re full of confidence. You may as well try. And if it works—write a letter to me, stroking my ego. If it doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to—also write me a letter. You can insult and chastise me as much as you please in the latter situation. I won’t be hurt.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix continues to say nothing for the longest of moments until he finally sighs, dropping his head down to stare at his own lap. “Fine,” he says. “I’ll think about it.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Wonderful.” Claude is probably smiling right now; Felix can hear it in the way that his voice has gone all cheery. “I’ll look forward to your letter.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure that you will,” Felix mumbles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course I will. Now—I don’t want to waste this food, so you’re going to eat it with me. And you’re also going to listen to me give my thoughts on the meeting we just attended. It’s only fair because I listened to you mope about Dimitri.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix gives an unfortunate nod. “Fine, whatever.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thoughtful as always,” Claude says, smiling so much that the corners of his eyes are crinkling. “Now—my first thought was that…”</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>And the rest of the afternoon goes like that: Claude talks about the meeting, Felix listens, they both eat meat and cheese and crackers and complain about the food as they do so. Eventually they part once the sun has crawled its way across the sky significantly, and Claude once again reminds Felix to send a letter. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Encrypt it if you want, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When all is said and done and Claude has left to return to his quarters, Felix takes an extra moment to stand by himself on the balcony. He stares out at the fields far off in the distance and thinks about nothing, thinks about everything, thinks about Claude and Dimitri, and thinks about himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even though he feels like an absolute fool, Felix knows that Claude is right. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. tenderness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Weeks after Claude leaves, Felix still hasn’t said anything to Dimitri.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There have been plenty of noteworthy events between the two of them, though—enough to make Felix think extra hard, but not enough to make him act on anything. The other day he went for another swim with Dimitri, which was nice, even though it started pouring and they had to quickly gather their clothes and items and dash inside half-naked. It was all right, though, because Dimitri was laughing, and because Felix was laughing too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few days before that, Felix helped Dimitri pick out a set of flowers to be planted on a newly opened balcony. They spent the afternoon planting them, on their hands and knees and half covered in dirt, and afterwards Dimitri wiped the sweat off of Felix’s forehead with a towel and his thumb swiped against his skin in an almost agonizing fashion. Felix couldn’t stop thinking about it; he couldn’t stop thinking about how fond the gesture was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing compares to the development that happened last night, though.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Felix has drank just a little bit too much.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not like him to do this. The only other time he can remember drinking too much is during one night with Sylvain, when they escaped from the monastery grounds and headed on down to a tavern to escape the tense post-mission air. Felix drank too much—he hadn’t had alcohol in a long time that he forgot what his tolerance was like—and Sylvain had to half drag him home and deposit him onto the bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was a similar issue. Felix really doesn’t indulge in drinking very often, so before he knew it he could barely hold his glass up despite having had the same amount of alcohol is Dimitri.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s because Dimitri is bigger, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thinks to himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So much bigger.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They’re in a small lounge area inside of Dimitri’s comedically large bedroom suite, and Felix is sprawled out on one of the couches. Dimitri sits across from him in a chair with a dark cream colored cushion. It’s a little big ugly, Felix notes, and he doesn’t know why he chose such an unflattering color.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That chair is ugly,” he says, pointing at it with his entire hand. “Who chose the—the color?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Unfortunately I had no choice in what color the chair cushion would be,” Dimitri replies, voice calm and smooth and annoying. “I am sorry you feel that way about it.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Don’t apologize,” Felix grumbles. “Don’t apologize for things you can’t control.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But if I wanted to, I could simply order for the cushion to be a different color.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s really fine, it’s fine,” Felix says, swinging his arm into the air in a very exasperated manner. He closes his eyes and sighs, dropping his hands onto his stomach and resting them there. The long beat of silence is comforting, he finds, despite the slight awkwardness of it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you tired?” Dimitri asks, and there’s a shuffling noise so clearly he’s thinking of getting up off of his seat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix shakes his head. “No. No. I’m just thinking.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you thinking about?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You,” Felix says before he has the chance to stop it from happening. He doesn’t have the mind to even care about what he’s said; he simply continues to lay there, eyes closed, hands folded over his stomach, head squished against an uncomfortable pillow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Mmm.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There is a long pause, and then Dimitri speaks up again, albeit in a very hesitant voice. “Why are you thinking about me?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m always thinking about you,” Felix mumbles. “Always. All the time. Even before… all of this. I thought about you every day, more than not.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I was—I was mad at you. Um. And I was… upset at the way you took care of yourself.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Are you still mad and upset with me?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“When you overwork yourself too much I am,” Felix admits. “I don’t like being helpless.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You aren’t helpless, Felix, honestly—”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Just listen. I am. As much as I keep an eye on you it doesn’t stop you from having episodes. I can’t do anything to help. The other day when you—”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Let us not recount that,” Dimitri says firmly, assertively. He is referring to the other night when Dimitri woke up from a much needed nap while Felix sat on a chair and watched over him. His eyes were glazed when he woke up, and he was grasping at the air, mumbling and gasping and panicking and moving erratically, quickly, speaking to the wall using a jumble of words that were completely nonsensical. It took Felix some time to help him calm down from whatever his nightmare was—he wouldn’t share the details—and even more time to completely bring him back to reality. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That, Dimitri had explained, was an episode. They happen more infrequently now than they used to, but regardless are still something that he experiences. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right. Yeah. Sorry.” Felix opens up one of his eyes to get a quick glance at Dimitri, who is sitting attentively, back completely straight, looking at Felix. “I just want you to be. Happy.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“That’s a first,” Dimitri says, chuckling. “Joking, of course. I am honored to hear you think that.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Listen to me,” Felix suddenly says, shooting into an upright position. The world around him sways rapidly and he has to hold his head in his hands to steady himself. “Uh.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Are you all right?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m fine. I just—uh. Need a second.” Felix squeezes his eyes shut and then opens them back up, waits a few seconds, and feels marginally less dizzy than he had before. He gets up onto his feet, wobbly, and steps on over to Dimitri. He gets a hold on himself for a moment and then drops directly onto Dimitri’s lap, wrapping his arms around his shoulders as he does so.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix,” Dimitri whispers. “What are you—”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Just listen to me,” Felix interrupts, putting a hand over Dimitri’s mouth. “Just listen to me. I know that I was—I know that I wasn’t nice to you before. It was bad of me. Unfair. Not right. But now—I don’t want to be like that anymore. I consider you my close friend, and I want… you to… not have to suffer anymore. Uh.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stops speaking for a moment, collecting his thoughts. Dimitri is staring at him like he’s the first human being he’s met in centuries, and Felix doesn’t know how to feel about it. “I care about you,” he finally says, words slurred and unbeautiful and honest. “I want you to know that… forever.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I do know that,” Dimitri whispers again. He reaches up with his hands to hold onto Felix’s arms, keeping him less wobbly. “I promise, Felix.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I like it so much when you say my name,” Felix says, voice muffled because he’s pressed his face into Dimitri’s shoulder. “Do it again.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Felix,” Dimitri echoes, voice barely audible at this point.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sit there like that, just for a short moment, before Felix lifts his head up and licks his lips and looks hard at Dimitri. “I’m… drunk,” he says, matter-of-factly. Dimitri looks like 3 separate people right now; not to mention that it feels like they’re both currently rocking around on a ship.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know. Would you like to go to bed soon, Felix?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you should sleep. I’ll carry you back to your room, if you like.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, okay.” Felix drops his head back to Dimitri’s shoulder. “Do that. I’m smaller than you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That you are,” Dimitri says, laughing a little bit. He stands up, hauling Felix up with him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix presses closer to him, tightening his arms around him, which have now moved to be curled around his back. He keeps his head against Dimitri’s shoulders, eyes closed, and hardly moves a muscle until all of the sudden he is being gently laid back on a comfortable bed. When he opens his eyes, his vision is spotted with grey and red and white, as if he was staring at the sun for too long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait,” he says to Dimitri, who hasn’t made any indication of leaving yet, “I have one more thing to say.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m glad to be here.” Felix smiles up at him, eyes lidded. “You’ve made me a better person.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>And Dimitri says nothing to that, only returns the smile—so genuine, so fond, his face warm and understanding—and leans down to brush some of Felix’s hair out of his face. He turns him onto his side and tucks him into the blankets, and by then Felix is too tired to move so he lets it happen without complaining. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Goodnight,” Dimitri mumbles, mouth close to Felix’s ear. “I’ll see you in the morning.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Felix shuts his eyes in response, still smiling, still glowing.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>It’s the morning after, and Felix has a horrible headache.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unsurprising, honestly. It only figures that not only is Felix a lightweight, but that he also is not immune at all to the powers of a hangover. It doesn’t help that his room lacks curtains—the sun pouring all over his bed and face and hair is not helping this situation. All Felix can bring himself to do is stuff his face into his pillow to try and shade himself from any and all light.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This is terrible. He had plans today, too—to go and train and train and train. And eat something, maybe. But now he doesn’t want to do any of those things; all he wants to do is lay in bed until his brain stops aching.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To make matters worse, he remembers exactly what happened last night.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His brain replays everything in slow motion while he suffocates himself with the pillow: him, spilling his heart out to Dimitri, sitting in his lap, asking for Dimitri to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix, </span>
  </em>
  <span>letting himself be carried to bed. He’s humiliated by himself and has absolutely no idea how he’s meant to talk to Dimitri now, let alone even look at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix failed at his one goal: to be subtle. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Technically, he supposes, this wasn’t his only goal. His end goal is to talk to Dimitri about how he </span>
  <em>
    <span>feels</span>
  </em>
  <span>, no matter how painful it may be, but—he thinks he may have inadvertently sped up that process. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s no use in moping about this all day. As much as Felix kind of wants to, he can’t hide in his bedroom forever, because he has things to attend to and people to talk to and as an advisor all of this is unavoidable unless he wants to cause trouble, which is—well. He doesn’t want to do that. Not really.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Which is why, after a short moment of reflection, he throws the pillow off his face and across the room, so hard that it hits the wall with a </span>
  <em>
    <span>wumph </span>
  </em>
  <span>sound. Felix rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands and crawls out of bed, lethargically, much like a slug or worm might move. The day will be over soon enough, he knows, and after that he can be as miserable as he wants to be.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But when he glances over at the door and sees a little piece of paper in front of it—as if it had been slipped underneath—his face falls. Perhaps he’s already going to start being miserable.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His stomach churns when he goes to reach for the letter, and he doesn’t immediately look at it once its in his hands—there is no doubt that this is a message from Dimitri, and no doubt that the subject matter has something to do with last night. If Felix is wrong about this, he’ll treat himself and go back to sleep. If he’s right—he’ll have to see what happens if he’s right.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looks at the letter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Felix,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll be out most of the day today, so if you go to look for me and cannot find me, please do not worry. I will be back during nightfall.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Unfortunately, this means that I will not have time for our usual dinner, but please feel free to help yourself to whatever food is in the dining hall in my stead. Or don’t. It is up to you. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If you’re still awake by the time I return, then I would love to speak with you. It is nothing bad—but is important regardless. I should be back no later than midnight, so feel free to wait if you like. If not, we can always discuss tomorrow. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I hope you slept well. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Dimitri</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix stares at the letter, holding it extremely tight between his two hands, and wonders what to make of it. He’s being given two options, essentially: talk to Dimitri today about what happened yesterday, or wait and talk to him about it tomorrow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s probably best to get it done quickly, isn’t it? Waiting until tomorrow sounds like a recipe for anxious anticipation, and Felix isn’t particularly keen on sitting around all day and night with that feeling in his chest. So tonight, he’ll do it—he’ll stay up and wait for Dimitri, and they’ll talk, and then he can go back to sleep and he won’t have to feel like a fool anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All of this seems so childish. Felix… feels childish. Like he’s small and young again, ridden with an innocent crush, unsure what to do about it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sighs again, folding up the letter and dropping it onto his bed. As immature as he may feel because of all of this, it doesn’t mean that he can wallow in those feelings all day and not do anything. If nothing else, this should be an incentive for him to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>more </span>
  </em>
  <span>productive than usual in an attempt to get his mind off of how juvenile this makes him feel. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seize the day, and all that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With all of that in mind, Felix stops moping and starts changing into some clothes. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>He spent the day like he planned to: productively.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The first thing Felix did was get down to the training grounds and busy himself there for a few hours. After that he ate something—and shortly thereafter he went over some territory disputes that were discussed at a recent meeting. All in all, it was a pretty good day, and he even has extra time to spare in the evening before Dimitri arrives back from his trip.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s too anxious to do anything else besides train, so this is what he does.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix finishes up about an hour before midnight, sweating profusely and limbs feeling very much like wet clay. He drags himself back to his room and throws himself directly into the bath, stripping slowly as he shuffles his way into his bathroom. The water is exceedingly hot, so hot that Felix has to wait a few extra minutes while he lets some cold water run into the tub.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn’t take him a very long time to get washed up. By the end of the bath Felix is feeling much more confident in himself, much more prepared. He slips into some more comfortable nightclothes—he even forgoes wearing shoes, instead opting just for socks—ties his hair back, and takes a deep, long breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Time to work all of this out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s nothing left to do now but head up to Dimitri’s room now. Felix takes the stairs two at a time, soft socks padding against the hard, carpeted floor. He’s nervous—he wants to get this over with, wants to stop feeling like a preteen struggling to deal with their emotions, wants the humiliation to be short. Why is he doing this again? What will he gain from it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something, hopefully.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Felix reaches Dimitri’s door, he becomes aware that he has no key to open it up. For laughs, he tries twisting the knob, and—lo and behind, the door actually opens up. That’s a little reckless of Dimitri, isn’t it?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Regardless—he can chew Dimitri’s ear off about this another time—he slips into the room and shuts the door, looking around. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not like this is the first time he’s been in Dimitri’s room. The balcony that they so love to sit on and drink and mumble about the sky can only be accessed through this room, so he’s at least walked through it a couple of times. Felix has never had the opportunity to really look around, though. He knows that it would be sort of terrible of him to look through Dimitri’s drawers and things, so instead he takes a seat on one of the plush chairs in the corner of the room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He waits and waits and waits, feeling more foolish by the second. What is he supposed to say? Is he going to wing it? What is he— </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix has no time to waste thinking any longer because all at once the doorknob turns again, and then it opens right up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix,” Dimitri says, a smile immediately worming its way across his face. “You came.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Of course I did,” Felix mumbles, looking down at his legs, embarrassed. “Why wouldn’t I have?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I had assumed you would simply talk to me tomorrow, considering how late I’ve returned. But it is a pleasant surprise to see that you are here regardless of my timing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, okay. Do you want to talk now? Or do you want to change first? Or…”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Dimitri laughs a little bit, and Felix has absolutely no idea why. “Let us be patient. I will change first, but you can make yourself comfortable, you know. You look so tense sitting there.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I… right.” Felix relaxes his shoulders, and—man, he really </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>tense. He hadn’t realized it. “I’ll wait here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And so he does. Dimitri disappears off into another room and changes. He takes his sweet time, and it makes Felix want to tear his hair out, but he doesn’t. He sits, as patiently as is possible, feet planted firmly on the ground, and tries to come up with something to say in his head to explain himself but can’t think anything up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Soon enough Dimitri reemerges from changing. He’s in his night clothes now—a comfortable shirt, soft looking pants, a pair of socks. It’s… nice to see him like this. So vulnerable, so warm looking, so open. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix awkwardly runs a hand through his hair. It isn’t braided today.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri takes a seat across from him, plopping down onto a cushioned seat with a quiet huff. He leans back in the chair, the picture of kingliness, and crosses one leg over the other before he begins to speak again. “Have you relaxed a little bit more?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I have,” Felix grits out. “How was your day? Why did you even leave?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh, I had to go… make a visit to Gautier. It took just about as long as I thought it would.” He sighs. “They’re insufferable up there. So difficult to speak to. No offense to Sylvain, of course.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I think that everyone in Faerghus is insufferable in general.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You’re right about that,” Dimitri says, laughing again. Felix doesn’t miss the way that his cheeks are slowly starting to turn pink, as if he were sitting in the slowest-heating sauna ever made. “Not even I am immune to being insufferable.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah, well.” Felix makes a vague shrugging motion. “It’s fine. I am too. We all are.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“We must have been a terrible bunch to deal with during the academy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix cracks a smile. “No doubt about that.”  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The smile does not go unnoticed by Dimitri. “Aha! You just smiled there, didn’t you?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah, so what? I smile sometimes.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Not very frequently. I think that you should do it more. You do have the loveliest smile, Felix.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix wants nothing more than to transform into a pebble. “If you say so.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm, I do. Anyway—may we talk now? About what I wanted to share?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure, okay.” Felix swallows anxiously. “Go ahead.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri presses his hands together and takes a deep, slow breath before he starts speaking again. “I wanted to discuss what happened last night, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now. I’m now—I wasn’t upset by your behavior or words or anything. It was just… interesting.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You’re telling me,” Felix says through his teeth, jaw set hard as concrete. “But I’m not sure if interesting is the best word to describe it.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh? How would you describe it, then?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Desperate,” Felix says immediately, without thinking. “Pathetic. Embarrassing.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Felix.” Dimitri’s got this expression on his face that looks as though he’s speaking to a dog after it had torn up a pillow. “It wasn’t any of those things, I assure you. If anything, it was—it was welcome. Um.” He clears his throat. “I hope that is not a weird thing to say.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix’s cerebrospinal fluid is trying to launch itself up and out of his mouth. “It’s. Not weird.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t sound very sure of yourself.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s not weird.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Well—all right, then. Either way, what I wanted to ask was… how genuine were you being yesterday?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Felix asks, face falling slightly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean—well. Were you acting like that simply because you were drunk?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, I wasn’t.” Felix shakes his head. His hands are trembling a little bit, which is strange. “I was being serious. I wanted to… ugh.” He rubs his face with his hands, feeling shameful. How does he even talk about this? How does he explain himself?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri says nothing; he simply looks at Felix. His face is encouraging, though, and that’s enough for Felix to bring himself together. “I… Dimitri. You’re a very important person to me. You’ve always been important, but now more than ever, I think that—” A sigh. “I think that it’s especially true now. I wanted to tell you this. Sober. But I suppose it slipped out yesterday.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You—”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m not being straightforward enough,” Felix interrupts, shaking his head. “I love you.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>And then—Felix stops. His eyes widen. His lungs constrict themselves. He very nearly gets up and flees the room, but his legs are glued still, and his brain isn’t working, and— </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Dimitri says, standing. “Really, Felix. You have this panicked look on your face, but—please don’t panic.” He’s moved over to Felix’s side now, squashing himself in to sit next to him. “I love you too. I do. I thought you were simply joking around last night, which is why I had to make sure myself so that I wasn’t—so that I didn’t end up disappointing myself.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>As Dimitri speaks, his eyes go through a variety of emotions: there’s happiness and worry and nervousness and anticipation all at once. He looks as though he has no idea what’s happening, as though he cannot </span>
  <em>
    <span>believe </span>
  </em>
  <span>what is happening, as if he’s asleep, dreaming everything up. Felix feels the same way. He can’t do anything but continue to sit and stare at Dimitri, fingers twitching slightly in their restlessness. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well,” Felix whispers, “Now you know for sure.”  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I do,” Dimitri whispers back. He’s leaning in so very close now, close enough that the proximity isn’t natural anymore. He can feel Dimitri’s breath ghosting across his face when he breathes out, and it’s too much, it’s not enough, it’s—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix didn’t think that he would get here.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He can feel Dimitri’s hand moving, and suddenly it is resting against Felix’s face, cool palm on cool skin, fingers oh-so-delicate in the way that they move. “Um,” he tries, “Can I—would you allow me to—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Felix breathes, understanding exactly what Dimitri is trying to say. There’s the briefest of pauses, and then their lips are pressing together and Felix is drawing his arms up around Dimitri’s back, searching, searching, searching for </span>
  <em>
    <span>something, </span>
  </em>
  <span>winding all around him, and Dimitri is leaning forward more and more and pushing him closer into the seat, and— </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dimitri,” Felix hisses, “You’re starting to crush me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, right.” Dimitri immediately eases off of him. He looks down at Felix like he is a gift. “I apologize.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fine. Let me get up, I want to keep going.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You want to—oh. Okay.” Dimitri gets off of the couch and stands there, clearly nervous, with his hands neatly behind his back, as if he were a soldier. It makes Felix frown. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He circles around Dimitri, running sturdy hands along his shoulders and upper back until they come to rest along the curves of his next, gentle. “Come lay down,” he whispers, guiding Dimitri over to the bed because it appears that he has lost the ability to walk properly. They fall into bed almost instantly, curling up around one another.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then Felix kisses Dimitri again, and the world dissolves.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>They lay in bed together, the blankets ruffled all over the place, draped haphazardly over their bodies because it’s too warm for them to completely wrap themselves up. The moon is high in the sky, the stars are high in the sky, and the entire castle is completely silent save for a lone owl hooting outside by the window. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you happy?” Dimitri asks, voice directed at the ceiling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix is laying next to him, hair untied, blanketed all over the pillow underneath him. He’s clinging onto one of Dimitri’s arms and his eyes are closed, thinking far too hard. “Not really,” he admits after a long stretch of silence. “But it’s not because of you. I’m just unhappy in general.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ah.” Dimitri sighs. “I understand. I feel similarly. There are some days where I am happier than not, but overall, I think that I… am still not happy. I try to convince myself that I am. I try to convince myself that I have so much, I should be happy, but—I continue to be unhappy.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah. I don’t know if I’m insatiable or if I’m being fair.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I think that we are both being fair in our unhappiness,” Dimitri says. “I also think that we should be given some leeway because we don’t let it consume us anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Felix repeats. “That.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I apologize, this is sort of a… dour subject, isn’t it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fine. I don’t mind talking about it. We should be able to talk about it.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I suppose we should,” Dimitri mumbles, sighing again. “I hope that… one day we will both be able to be happy.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I hope so too,” Felix says, trying not to gasp at how emotional Dimitri’s voice was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like to think that it will come soon. And now… that we… are together like this, it must surely be a step in the right direction. Don’t you think?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, probably.” He sniffles. “I’ve been agonizing over you for a while now.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“For a while? It’s more like your whole entire life, Felix.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I know. Whatever. I’m going to continue to agonize over you, though, even now.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Please don’t worry too much. You look so pained when you are stressed, it makes me wonder if you need a massage or something.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I wouldn’t object to a massage. Are you sure you can manage giving me one, though? With those big hands of yours?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“If anything I believe that my big hands will enhance your experience,” Dimitri says, laughing a little bit. “They will cover more surface area.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe they will,” Felix says, and he’s laughing a little bit too. “I appreciate it regardless.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure.” Pause. “Felix… would you like to be happy?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix’s throat tightens and he nods at the ceiling. “That would be nice.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It would be nice,” Dimitri echoes. “We’ll get there one day. There is plenty of time.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah… there is.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Claude,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I talked to Dimitri, sort of. I ended up getting drunk one night and sat on his lap and babbled about how much I like when he says my name, which gave myself away very easily and effectively. Unfortunately it wasn’t my intention to act like that, but it ended up being fine anyway.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The next night I also couldn’t get a handle on myself and told Dimitri that I loved him. At that point I was ready to flee the continent, but then he said he feels the same way. He loves me. Dimitri loves me. My Dimitri. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You were right, Claude. I don’t know why I’m surprised. None of this would have happened without your incessant encouraging, so… thanks. You told me so, I’ll admit it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Thanks for putting up with me. Thanks for talking to me even though you didn’t have to. Thanks for… the support, I guess. I wouldn’t have made any progress if it were just me by myself, so I appreciate having. Someone there with me. To help me feel less ridiculous.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I owe you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hope to see you again, </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thankyou for reading!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>feel free to follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/bloomedvillain">twitter</a>, where i (still) talk a lot about fire emblem, among other things!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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